Artist’s Dilemma

I like to draw. Well now, it feels like used to like to draw. I have chosen a path that revolves around it. Yet I feel really lost on this path, like why am I even drawing in the first place? Is it because I feel self fulfillment when I made one? Or is it because I want recognition and validation from people around me? Or is it because I want to be able to live from it? Or is it all of them?

I remember I was talking to my friend about this feeling quite long ago. When he simply asked me, what was my motivation behind my drawing. What makes me into drawing in the first place. I thought quite long about it before I came up with an answer…

“I just like it, because when I did it, I’m really happy with the results.”

Then he told me that is what I should think whenever I feel lost or have no motivation to even put a pen on a paper. Because to be honest for me it’s all depends on my mood. Like I realized that if I’m really in the mood to draw the results would be really damn impressive (well to my standard). But when I’m not, the results would end up looking really bad (again to my standard). Which makes me think, Do I really have too high of a standard that makes me feel like I’m afraid to step forward? Do I keep comparing myself to other artists that doing better than me in which makes me feel so insignificant? To be honest, I don’t really know. But I’m leaning towards ‘yes’ at this point.

My journey in art world started when I was in high school. Where I had to pick an extracurricular class, in which I picked drawing/painting class. And to my surprise I’m doing really well on it. So I just kinda go from there. Since I loved to play video games, I planned to pick a major in university that related to that. Because I thought I could learn to be better artist while also learn some coding/programming while doing so.

Oh boy was I wrong and naive back then.

I realized that I don’t or rarely draw outside of class. In which I didn’t improve much as an artist. The only programming language I learnt is flash (the lecturer doesn’t even play video games). I failed on the very last year of college. Because I was really screwed by the system to the point where I had to make a demo of a game on a phone within one month. And to make things worse my supervisor can’t even do anything to help or guide me. So this is where things really gone down for me. In which I started to draw again, to just lost in my thoughts, or just to relax.

To the point where I want recognition or to prove that I’m not a failure. Or maybe I just want to run from my guilt of wasted years and money. So I shifted my focus to drawing. The only thing that I feel quite good at. Then I learnt a lot and draws a lot. Even though my process could take really long to be able to make a piece. I keep doing it and my motivation is to make at least decent money from it. So that would prove that I still have something to go on in my life and something to strive for.

So I began to post my artworks anywhere I could to gain recognition, I share my drawings to my friends, family and strangers. I post fanarts, original artworks, anything I could. Some of them said great things and I should start monetizing it, and some honestly, not really care. But alas, what I had was just pipe dream. I was in denial for so long that I thought my artworks would sell. Because I was in this comfort zone where I feel confident that I would gained fans and would be contacted to make commission.

And so I waited…

and draws…

and still waiting…

Then insecurity and reality hits really hard. I realized that I’m not good enough. I tried my damn best yet here I am. Alone, with no one to back me or pull me from this hole. All those sweet talks are just words now. Rather than I feel motivated to improve my skill, I feel like I just lost it. It’s really hard when it’s only yourself to climb that mountain, and it’s getting harder and harder as the time goes. I feel jealous when people got recognition for something that has less work and quality than I do. I feel angry when people pretend to “like” my artworks to gain exposure. I can feel my thoughts getting darker and darker overtime.

So I just start to draw for myself, as a mirror, a reflection to my inner self. A terrible comfort zone where nothing could improve, a place where I don’t have to care about what others think.

But at least in the end I’m really happy with the results.